Every single minute matters, every single child matters, every single childhood matters. - Kailash Satyarthi One of my favorite stories that my Mom use to tell me while growing up was how I got my name. Before she started having kids, she set out to pray and ask God to name each of her children. But, when she was pregnant with me, she wanted to be surprised what gender I would be. So, when she asked the Lord what to name me God gave her two names, a boy and a girl name. When I was born she named me Nina Elizabeth, which means: little girl consecrated unto God. I love that story because It really has been a theme of my life. Before I was even born God marked me as one who is dedicated to Him. What a beautiful story of how our Heavenly Father sees our stories from beginning to end and weaves His heart into it all. But, I do have to say, I have really struggled over the years with the "Little Girl" part of my name. I think mostly because I never felt like I was very good at being a little girl. I'm sure I'm not the only one that has struggled with embracing their childhood. I wasn't the type of kid that had a "thing" that I excelled at. My two brothers, on the other hand, found their talents pretty early on. My little brother had the Midas Touch with everything he pursued and my older brother was a walking dictionary that consumed massive amounts of books by the time he was 9. I tried sports but was a little too clumsy. It became obvious quickly that I didn't have the knack for reading or comprehension like my older brother. I liked to draw but didn't have much ability to warrant any lessons. I was a tomboy that wasn't really welcomed to run with the boys and didn't know how to connect with girly-girls. I was blessed to grew up in a home of loving parents and in an environment that was warm and encouraging. But, as an adult looking back, I tend to shy away from claiming that clumsy little girl with short hair, chubby cheeks, and a fragile heart as part of my own story.
As my brothers and I were running down the hill, Superman-style, I yelled at the top of my lungs, “Helen Keller to the rescue!” We had apparently just been learning about Helen Keller in school and I was enthralled by her story. I was eight and naive and didn’t realize how ironic and adorable and funny my innocent declaration was. But, even now, as I’m writing this, tears of embarrassment are welling up in my eyes. I never could live that moment down. A lie was planted that day into my little girl wounded heart: when you open your mouth you sound stupid, you are not worth listening to. It’s hard to look back on those times of intense insecurity and not think, “come on, Nina, you need to pull yourself together- be cool, stop being so weird. No one understands you when you’re weird.” That used to be my attitude towards little girl Nina. I was never very kind to her… to myself. It wasn’t until God started shining a light on my younger years that I really began to look at that time of my life with a new perspective. Before this, I was hesitant to even look at myself in old pictures. It would dredge up all those old voices of teasing and rejection that I had conditioned myself to agree with. Unknowingly, I was using self-deprecation as a defense mechanism. If I admitted that I was awkward and clumsy and dim and unlovable before someone else did, then I could just accept my own self-harm instead of feeling the wounds of a stranger/friend. Crazy right? But don't we do this all the time even as adults?
My heart began to change towards that little girl, slowly. I have three nieces and one of them reminds me of me as a kid. Just clumsy and adorable and untamed in the best of ways. When I look at her I don’t think, “she just needs to be cool and get her stuff together.” Absolutely NOT! I think, “Gosh, I want her to be that way for the rest of her life!” I want her to stay innocent and ask questions and be a know-it-all about the craziest things. Because, she’s this adorable little sponge that is beautiful and perfect, just the way she is. Why can’t I give myself that same grace?
2 Comments
Melanie Mitchum
10/29/2018 05:17:18 am
Nina, this is beautifully written. I am glad the Lord is healing your little girl. It's amazing how we can't see our value when we are kids. And, I'm also thankful that as we grow and get closer to the Lord, He shows us the gifts He has blessed us with. You have so many of them and I am glad you are using them for His glory! You definitely have a gift of writing! You also sign well and sing and take awesome photos. And, all that was "knitted" in you while you were in your mother's womb. God's masterpiece! Thank you for sharing your talents to bless others....like me!
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Nina
10/29/2018 06:30:36 am
Melanie! Thank you so much for these encouraging words! They mean so much. It has become so clear in the last few months how God shaped and formed my character and faith in those younger years. Those little steps that I made as a child are the foundations of things I'm getting to enjoy today. Taking my first sign language class, picking up a camera for the first time, getting on a stage to sing even though I was terrified - I am proud of what God did through me even before I understood why they were important. God is an amazing Father! Thank you again! Love you and Mark so much.
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About the Author: Nina Schultz is a 34 year old redhead from South Louisiana now living in Dallas, Texas. Her passion for people, creativity, and her faith has sparked many of the adventures she has found herself on. Whether it is through photography, art, music, or writing- she is always ready to capture the profoundly beautiful moments of life- common or extraordinary. Archives
June 2023
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