“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” |
So, first off, you have to know that I am single and I have been that way for quite some time. It use to cripple me. . . that's actually quite an understatement. I use to not be able to see anything else but my painful awareness of my inability to snag a boyfriend. But, about 3 years ago, I determined that I couldn't keep waiting around hoping I would run into my future husband. Instead, I had to keep living, keep singing, and keep impacting lives as I went on this journey arm and arm with Jesus. Yet, even as I was moving forward with my life, I still ached with the reality that I wasn't in a relationship. It was what I desired more than most things- to love and be loved in return. But, even as my brothers got married and all my friends seemed to move forward in relationships, I was single. The years went on and I went through college, served in my church, sang whenever I could and to whomever I could and still. . . there was no man in sight that would take the risk of chasing after me. And, so, I did what I realize now was very harmful. . . I buried my dream. Pushing aside any notion that my life would have the fairy-tale ending that I had imagined, I made efforts to write my dream off as childish, selfish, and completely unrealistic. |
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“I don't think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains.”
― Anne Frank
Joy is everywhere; sometimes, you just need to know how to recognize it.
I have stared into the face of joy countless times before, totally unaware of the possible peace I could have experienced. If only I had seen my circumstances for what they were- temporal- maybe then heartache wouldn't have been so prevalent in my story. Yet, being blinded by the "here and now" is common and really nothing to be ashamed of. . . we all do it, ya know, we choose sadness.
I've heard it said that our emotions are like ruts in a road. We can become so accustomed to choosing frustration over contentment that we default to seeing the negative in all things. We train ourselves to not only see the glass as "half empty," but we pour out some of the liquid to make sure that it is. There is a better way!
I have stared into the face of joy countless times before, totally unaware of the possible peace I could have experienced. If only I had seen my circumstances for what they were- temporal- maybe then heartache wouldn't have been so prevalent in my story. Yet, being blinded by the "here and now" is common and really nothing to be ashamed of. . . we all do it, ya know, we choose sadness.
I've heard it said that our emotions are like ruts in a road. We can become so accustomed to choosing frustration over contentment that we default to seeing the negative in all things. We train ourselves to not only see the glass as "half empty," but we pour out some of the liquid to make sure that it is. There is a better way!
These past few weeks have been more joyful than I could ever put into words; It's just hard for me to pinpoint why, now- of all times in my life- have I been filled to the brim with genuine excitement? This is week #3 of having a shaved head. I won't lie and say it hasn't come with some challenges. For example, the first time a stranger asked if I had cancer it took my breath away. For a moment, the comment derailed what had been an amazing weekend with my family. Up until that point, I had almost forgotten that I had alopecia; but this stranger's comment reminded me that I looked different... had I really changed? After a few moments and a few tears, I picked my head up and kept moving forward. I had changed, I was different. But, I liked it. . . I liked my bald head and the perspective it brought to my life. |
"It Will Grow Back"
My red hair has always been my security blanket.
Growing up and constantly hearing "I just LOVE your hair" from complete strangers was always a confidence boost. To be completely honest, for a long time, my hair was the one thing that I put a lot of my hope in. When I was having a bad day or was struggling with insecurity, I would always point to the fact that I had been entrusted by beautiful ginger hair. It felt a lot like God's grace: I didn't do anything to grow my hair, it was just given to me like a present. I was so thankful I had been bestowed with the legacy of my mom and grandmother's red hair.
Growing up and constantly hearing "I just LOVE your hair" from complete strangers was always a confidence boost. To be completely honest, for a long time, my hair was the one thing that I put a lot of my hope in. When I was having a bad day or was struggling with insecurity, I would always point to the fact that I had been entrusted by beautiful ginger hair. It felt a lot like God's grace: I didn't do anything to grow my hair, it was just given to me like a present. I was so thankful I had been bestowed with the legacy of my mom and grandmother's red hair.
If hair could become an idol to anyone, it had become one to me.
Consequently, the first few weeks of living with Alopecia was devastating. Whatever "glory" my hair possessed was slowly taken away by this crazy inconsistent disease. The thing that I had put so much emphasis on and hope in was disappearing before my eyes. And, along with it, I was feeling many of my dreams slipping away, too. My expectation of being a long-haired bride or that I would catch my future husband's eye with my ginger locks… all of it was falling away, with the gobs and gobs of hair I was losing daily.
So, shaving my head was not a decision that came easily at all. I wrestled back and forth for days with the fear and doubt I had about what shaving my head would mean I was losing. Even the morning of the shaving, I was anxious about the decision I had made. But God very gently showed me that the ONLY thing I would be losing that night was my hair. I was not losing my dignity, my dreams, my faith in Him. I would get my hair cut and I would live to talk about it. So, surrounded by my friends and family, I went through with it. |
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Only the beginning...
This past month and a half I have been faced with moments of anxiety and of surrender- holding on and falling to pieces. The stress of this recent journey has come and gone in waves with only my faith and family keeping my head above water. But, now, there's nothing left to cover up or hide from. What has played out in my life this past month has been nothing but beautifully transforming.
If you would allow me to be honest, I would like to share with you my story.
If you would allow me to be honest, I would like to share with you my story.
There is no easy way to say any of this, because, this will probably be as shocking to you as it was for me when it first happened.
On August 12th, I came home from work and was surprised by what I saw in the bathroom mirror. Apparently, sometime during the day, a nickel-sized section of hair had fallen out on the top of my head. It startled me, it perplexed me, it worried me- and, little did I know, that I had just taken my first unknowing steps into the craziest month of my life!
The bald spot that now sat so boldly on the top of my head was soon diagnosed as Alopecia Areata. "Alopecia is an autoimmune skin disease that results in the loss of hair on the scalp and elsewhere." (NAAF) Though one of my symptoms was the losing of my hair, it was not the root of the problem that I was now facing. Blood was drawn, tests were run, and we waited for answers.
On August 12th, I came home from work and was surprised by what I saw in the bathroom mirror. Apparently, sometime during the day, a nickel-sized section of hair had fallen out on the top of my head. It startled me, it perplexed me, it worried me- and, little did I know, that I had just taken my first unknowing steps into the craziest month of my life!
The bald spot that now sat so boldly on the top of my head was soon diagnosed as Alopecia Areata. "Alopecia is an autoimmune skin disease that results in the loss of hair on the scalp and elsewhere." (NAAF) Though one of my symptoms was the losing of my hair, it was not the root of the problem that I was now facing. Blood was drawn, tests were run, and we waited for answers.
In the mean time, two days after I had gotten the diagnosis of Alopecia from my dermatologist, I lead my last service as the worship leader of Lakeshore Church. Amidst the congregation's "thank yous", my tears, and the explaining of my departure- I was hiding my bald spot underneath a headband that had become my constant companion. I had successfully concealed whatever was going on with my health from everyone except a few close friends and family.
Part of me was hoping beyond hope that my body would soon operate properly and that my hair loss would remain only a small section of my scalp.
Life doesn't always work out like we expect it to, though.
Part of me was hoping beyond hope that my body would soon operate properly and that my hair loss would remain only a small section of my scalp.
Life doesn't always work out like we expect it to, though.
By the time I was ready to leave on my two week tour with Redemption Family, I had started to lose hair more rapidly. The night before we left for Nashville, I sat in my bathroom weeping as I held clumps of hair in my hands and sobbed to my parents that another bald spot had started to form on the side of my scalp.
I almost didn't go. For about 5 seconds, I contemplated staying back and battling my hair loss while in the safety of my home. I could only imagine how difficult it would be to travel and deal with my new health diagnosis. But, the moment passed, I realized I would very much regret not taking the risk of going on the road with my fellow bandmates. This was the dream I had been working towards for the past 6 months... I had to go.
I almost didn't go. For about 5 seconds, I contemplated staying back and battling my hair loss while in the safety of my home. I could only imagine how difficult it would be to travel and deal with my new health diagnosis. But, the moment passed, I realized I would very much regret not taking the risk of going on the road with my fellow bandmates. This was the dream I had been working towards for the past 6 months... I had to go.
About the Author:
Nina Schultz is a 34 year old redhead from South Louisiana now living in Dallas, Texas. Her passion for people, creativity, and her faith has sparked many of the adventures she has found herself on. Whether it is through photography, art, music, or writing- she is always ready to capture the profoundly beautiful moments of life- common or extraordinary.
Nina Schultz is a 34 year old redhead from South Louisiana now living in Dallas, Texas. Her passion for people, creativity, and her faith has sparked many of the adventures she has found herself on. Whether it is through photography, art, music, or writing- she is always ready to capture the profoundly beautiful moments of life- common or extraordinary.
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